#33 Pocahontas

Title: Pocahontas

Release Date: June 23rd, 1995

Voice Cast: Irene Bedard, Mel Gibson, David Ogden Stiers, Russell Means, Linda Hunt

Recap: In the Native American Powhatan tribe lives Pocahontas, a free-spirited young woman who is alive with the spirit of nature. She has but three friends: a hummingbird, a raccoon, and another girl back in her village. Her father wants her to marry Kocoum, a strong, "serious" man. However, a dream she has been having tells her that her path leads otherwise. Enter John Smith, a settler from England who arrives on a boat captained by a gold-hungry aristocrat. John and Pocahontas have a chance of meeting and share a true connection, but there is one problem: the feud between the violent feud between the settlers and the Powhatans.

Review: A friend of mine told me yesterday that my reviews are more interesting when I dislike the film I'm reviewing. I don't know to what extent that is true-- I suppose, I told her, that I think more creatively when I'm disappointed. I can tell you this right now: any thinking I do while writing this is certainly more creative than Pocahontas.

This, quite bluntly, is a script I could write. This is an 8th grade history project to me, no joke. In a few moments, I even stopped and played a game in which I guessed what the characters would say next. Almost every time, I was generally spot on (meaning all but verbatim). I'm going to be frank: this is the worst dialogue I've ever seen from any movie with a budget like this. It's the reason why the first half of the movie flat-out sucked.

I could rant about a variety of elements in this movie. I'll avoid the trite few: historical inaccuracies (big laugh here), recycled concepts (the movie is a mashup of old Disney tricks, really), or voice acting (just awful, Mel Gibson). You see? I hardly had to comment on any of those and you already get the picture. It was the tiniest amount of intensity starting at midpoint that made this movie slightly enjoyable.

I'll tell you what saved it from a Crocodile "Tick Tock" though. You probably have already guessed it, though. It's the one thing I haven't mentioned in this review that I include almost every time. Only two people deserve full credit for their parts in this movie: Alan Menken and Stephen Schwartz-- music, if you hadn't guessed. "Colors of the Wind" is close to epic, and "If I Never Knew You" is borderline balladic. The rest I could keep or leave. That is to say, if I had to give a rating for just the music, I'd probably give it an Under the Sea.

And no, I don't blame The Lion King for setting the bar too high. Pocahontas is frankly just incompetent as entertainment. That's this film crew's fault, and they should take the blame. Maybe next time (The Hunchback of Notre Dame), Disney will pick up the slack.

Bare Necessities (as bare as you can get...)